How Did I Get Here, Part 9
May 2nd, 2006 | by Scott |Or, The Most Important Part of This Story
Two confessions:
- I’m not very good at prayer.
- I’m not a people person.
Don’t get me wrong, I believe in the power of prayer. I believe that there is great benefit and power in prayer. I’m just not very good at it.
I bristle with the rote, legalistic attitude with which we often approach prayer. (I.E. you have to pray before every meal, you have to ask forgiveness in each prayer, you have to have the proper opening and closing, etc.) But, that’s another blog post.
The more important part of my confession, for this story, is the fact that I am NOT a people person.
I love people. I even like a whole lot of them. But I’m not the most outgoing, gregarious fellow you will encounter.
I don’t like large groups. I don’t feed off of big get-togethers or things like that. I hate the phone and will beg Tracy to make even the most basic calls.
I’m content to be home with my family or at my desk studying. I don’t have the gift of hospitality.
I’m not much on visitation. I was raised to never go somewhere uninvited, and that has stuck with me.
I am introverted, much more likely to escape into my thoughts than I am to strike up a conversation.
I do well one-on-one. I’m fairly adept at counseling people with marital problems and other issues. I even, typically, enjoy that.
But, my ministerial strengths are preaching and teaching. That is where I am gifted.
As a result, one of the criticisms of me through the years has been on the pastoral side of my job. (Note: one thing that the Church of Christ has to get over is it’s nit-picking attitude toward the use of the word “pastor.” Name me one “minister” in our churches who is not expected to pastor.)
I’ve been called, repeatedly, unapproachable. In Michigan, the elders continually encouraged me to engage more. It was obviously a source of frustration for them that I did not fit squarely into their ideas of what a preacher should be.
When I accepted the call to move to Waco I realized that I needed to try harder to correct that. So, tying those two “weaknesses” together I decided that I would pray about it.
I began to pray that God would place within me the capacity to love people more.
I began to pray that I would be more caring and compassionate.
Over and over, I repeated the simple line, “Help me to love people more.”
I began that prayer under the hopes that it would improve my inter-congregational skills.
What I did not know, at the beginning, was that God would have something else in mind.
The prayer worked, but not in the way I expected. All of those seemingly random events that I have been describing in this series began to make a whole lot more sense.
I did begin to love people more. All people.
I began to care about the poor. I began to be concerned about the plight of people across the world who are suffering.
Words like Rwanda and Darfur appeared on my radar screen. AIDS ceased being a bullet I dodged when I got married, but a crisis of biblical proportions.
Homosexuals stopped being “fags” and “dykes” and started to become precious souls in need of love. A proposition I would have voted for became one I voted against.
Muslims ceased being the source of all my scorn and hatred and became men, women, and children to me.
A lifetime of racial jokes against people of different colors and backgrounds became a source of tremendous shame.
War became a travesty. The killing of innocent lives was impossible to justify, even for the sake of “freedom.”
The way we treat the earth became a concern. The disadvantaged and the downtrodden bear the brunt of our environmental excesses.
God gave me the capacity to love, but it became a love without borders, without doctrine, without skin color, without denominational loyalty.
It became the love of Christ.
I began to love the convict and the criminal. The poor and the forgotten. I began to love the homosexual and the Baptist. I began to love Democrats and Libertarians. I began to love the HIV-infected and the USA-affected.
I began to tremble with the weight of compassion that such a prayer had. My preaching changed.
My politics changed.
My worldview changed.
My sense of right and wrong changed. No longer did I look first at how things affected this country but I looked at how they affected the Kingdom.
Poverty became my problem. Racism became my problem.
The environment became my problem. Embracing the immigrant became my problem.
Oh, God answered that prayer. I love my congregation more. But I also love the rest of God’s creation so much more.
I’m still an introvert and I probably always will be. I’m learning that many of us out there are the same way. It does not mean that we don’t love. It does not mean that we don’t care.
It just means that God uses us in a different way. And I’m ok with that.
Pray that same prayer and God will change you. I’m not doing praying it:
“Help me to love people more.”
And you will love. Ultimately what got me to where I am today was through the power of God to take this reserved, often cynical, individual and place within him the capacity to love.
To care. To weep for those we tend to discard.
Pray this with me. May we each stive to be guilty of loving too much rather than judging too much.
Tomorrow: The beginning of my story and the end of this series.
14 Responses to “How Did I Get Here, Part 9”
By John on May 2, 2006 | Reply
I wouldn’t have expected the not a people person part not given your job choice. I’m somewhat in that mold though too in that I supervise people but hate dealing with the one on one interaction. As for the phone I view it as the most evil thing ever invented. Okay maybe that’s a bit over the top but not by much. I don’t have a problem with prayer, granted to some people mine might be a bit short but I admit to have a short attention span so my prayers fit that.
My problem is sitting and reading the bible, it’s just something I don’t do that much. One thing is I just don’t carve out the time like we’re always told we should do. The second thing is I just can’t sit and focus on one short passage. If I’m going to read I don’t want to stop after a set of passages. So following most devotionals and such just doesn’t work.
Looking forward to seeing how this ends.
By Amy on May 2, 2006 | Reply
This is an amazing post. Thank you again for this series.
By Jenny Perkins on May 2, 2006 | Reply
that was beautiful. may we all love more.
By Phil Wilson on May 2, 2006 | Reply
Is it just me, or are a lot of pulpit preachers introverts?
Scott, this is a great post. Thanks for showing the work of the Spirit in your life and I’m grateful that you were open to his moving in you.
By Adam Ellis on May 2, 2006 | Reply
Scott,
This breathed life into me today…in the “Wow, I’m not alone” sense. My story mirrors yours in many ways. I actually started praying that exact prayer over and over again every morning a few weeks ago. I share many of the changes in convictions you talk about (though for me they predate that particular prayer). Thank you so much for sharing this.
AE
By Scott on May 2, 2006 | Reply
Thank you for the kind comments.
Phil, one benefit of the blog-world is I am able to see that I am not alone. Others wrestle with the call of preaching coupled with the lack of a hospitality gift. All people can minister, even us who are more inward. There are a lot of us introverts who have been called to the pulpit. God knows better than we do.
Adam, thanks. I’m glad to see that it connects. For me, the prayer was what crystallized and brought into sharp focus all the things I had experienced up to this point (the first 8 segments).
By krister on May 2, 2006 | Reply
Scott-I’ve been reading your blog off and on for the last few weeks, and I have to say that you are a rare bird in the CofC. Maybe that’s why I feel like I can identify with much of what you’re saying on here. Your two confessions were humorous to me because I deal with similar issues (though I can’t say that preaching or teaching are my main gifts yet). I’m not sure if you’ve read her yet, but I think you would absolutely eat up Sallie McFague’s Body of God. Keep up the great writing, there are some powerful truths to what you’re voicing. May we have ears to hear. shalom,
kw
By terri on May 2, 2006 | Reply
You know what I like about this? At least you know where you are and how you got here. I’m not even sure where I am! I certainly don’t understand how I got here…
By scott on May 3, 2006 | Reply
Krister, I’ll check it out. Thanks.
Terri, I know how I got here because I sat down to write about it. If you had asked me two weeks ago, there is no way I could have put this all together.
By Pat on May 3, 2006 | Reply
I think I’m going through this too. I’ve also prayed for years for God to help me love people. I love people in the general sense, but sometimes it’s very difficult when they get in your space. When I write that down, that sounds so very selfish, but that’s true for me. Therefore, the prayer. The prayer is being answered, but in much the same way as yours. I’m developing an awareness for others especially worldwide that I’ve not had before. I think I said this before in the comments about personality that it is a great detriment to be a minister’s wife and struggle with this. Thankfully, our church here loves me just the way I am and I am using my gift of teaching and somebody else throws the parties.
It is a miracle in and of itself that God can use so many different types of people with so many different gifts to help him accomplish his work. Thank goodness there’s a place for us all!
By scott on May 3, 2006 | Reply
Pat, thanks for this comment. I think we play a pivotal role in helping people realize that ministry is not just about hosting dinner parties and late-night confessionals. It is also about teaching, motivating, preaching and illuminating.
I’ve been made to feel like less of a minister because I don’t want to spend 3 nights a week chatting folks up. Thank God, there are people who are good at that and love to do it. But that’s not me. And I don’t have to feel guilty about that.
Tracy can find out a person’s life history in the time they are cashing a check at the bank. I deeply admire her for that. she is one of my spiritual heroes in that regard. But if I was to do that, it would not be as genuine. It would be kicking up against something that God has made me to be.
Being introverted does not mean that you are shy. It doesn’t mean that you don’t care about people. It does mean that you express it differently. By preaching and teaching, I invest in the lives of people. I communicate that which I think is absolutely essential. Sorry, I’m rambling.
By Doug Freeman on May 3, 2006 | Reply
Scott, I think you know we are proud of you and know you are excellent at what you are doing. You are in the position of being a motivator because that is what ministry is all about. I think you realize that someone has to motivate the motivator and certainly God is the answer. Keep up the good work. I found out many years ago that motivation is the key to success and i had a lot of folks that helped me through a career that had it not been for them, i would probily failed. We love you all.
By Pat on May 3, 2006 | Reply
Your comment makes me feel so much better. Thanks.
By Doug Freeman on May 3, 2006 | Reply
I meant to say, I probably would have failed.