Scott Freeman

On Ministry…

I wanted to do my bathroom confessions and a postmortem on The Gilmore Girls today. But that will have to wait.

Instead, I want to place some of my recent whining into a greater context. It may seem like more whining when I am done.

But to me it’s more a catharsis. Forgive the length but I have to get this out in some form.

I know that people often wonder how someone like me ever ended up in ministry. I shy away from the pastoral much more than I should. I’m content to hole myself up in my office studying. I’m not a “people-person.”

I don’t look, act or talk like the common conception of a “preacher” is supposed to be. I can be stand-offish and reserved. Unsmiling and disconnected.

It’s not the way I necessarily want to be. I long for friends but realize that I don’t really have any here. At least friends who understand the fires of ministry. I operate in isolation and that has had a cumulative effect over the last 5 and a half years.

You see, when I left youth ministry in February 2002 I left behind a support system and network of like minded people who understood what I did and why I did it. They were people who were in ministry themselves and they were friends. (Important note: they are still friends, don’t misunderstand me)

But leaving YM I went to a church where I was the only minister on staff. And that is the way it has been for 5 and a half years.

And so I feel alone a lot. I know that much of this is my own choosing. That I could jump in with the local ministers cabal but I never felt the click.

I feel isolated. Cut off. Lacking mentors and friends that I can call on. I’m thankful for this blog community, for my friends on Google Talk and the ones who regularly send me liberal email’s that make me laugh.

But I want more. People who understand and can empathize. Because there are days where ministry weighs on me.

I’m chided for not smiling on Sunday morning, for not being jovial and “preacherly” before class begins. I’m working on that. I really am.

But I spend all week grappling with what I want to say. I wrestle with the Scriptures and I also feel, sometimes, like God is wrestling with me. Preparing sermons and classes are labors of love for me. But there is much labor.
I wrestle and pray over each word. I encounter the Divine as I delve into the truth and beauty of the message of Christ. It lifts me up, inspires me and propels me further into the gospel.

But it also drains me. It exhausts me and empties me. It’s not just a sermon I preach but something that I have invested myself in, poured myself into.

And so when I am just a few minutes away from unleashing that on an unsuspecting public, I’m preoccupied with that. I can’t build up to that moment and not struggle with the weight of what I’m about to do.
And it gushes out when I stand in the pulpit leaving me even more emptied and drained. And I start on Monday doing it all over again.

That wrestling and grappling often spills out into the rest of my life. You would think that so much time in scripture would make me a better person. But sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes I chafe at the ramifications of what has to be taught. What God’s Word is saying to me angers me. What it is calling me to do is too much to bear.

And I want to revolt, rebel, rage and rant. And that sometimes spills over here.

As I’ve stated many times I strive hard for this blog to be a place where people can talk about a wide variety of potentially controversial topics and feel safe to be open, honest and real. Based upon your comments to me I feel that I’ve done that. That this is a positive community.

Honestly, some days I struggle with that. I have to fight to keep the curmudgeon at bay. I have to fight not to say everything I want to say. I have to struggle to be positive and kind.
Even when I’m mad. Even when I’m upset.
Even when I’m tired of the status quo, the blind traditionalism and the perpetuation of injustice.

And I fight my own binary nature. For that, ultimately, is what this is all about.

I want to scream at all that I feel is wrong in this world and I want to comfort those who have been wronged.
I want to yell at injustice while I often remain silent.
I want to run from ministry and do something else and I want to invest myself further in ministry.
I want friends and I want to wall myself off to the world.
I want to feel that this church has some life in it while feeling it’s so dead.
I want to cuss and I want to praise.
I wrestle with doubt and I am overcome by belief.
I want to change everything about the way we do church and I want to remain comfortable.
I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and insurpassable joy.
I want to smile and laugh and I want to weep.
I want to tear everything down so I can build something new.
I want to blow tradition apart while clinging to my own heritage and rituals.
I want to be more like Christ while remaining so amazingly human.

And this is what you see brimming over from time to time. An loner who feels too alone. A minister who shouldn’t be in ministry but wouldn’t be anywhere else.
A guy who wrestles with preaching when he has no idea how he’s gonna put together another sermon.
A skeptic and doubter who is so fiercely in love with his God.

And a blogger who is so thankful that he has this community to vent.