Top 10 Wednesday: Most Dangerous Cults
May 23rd, 2007 | by Scott |There is a lot of talk that persists in the world today about dangerous religious movements and the toll that they exact on unsuspecting people. From a potential presidential candidate to a leading Hollywood star to my own religious heritage questions persist about what does and does not constitute a cult.
This is where I come in. In this special edition top 10 list (postponed from yesterday) I break down the 10 most dangerous, insidious and pervasive cults in America today.
It’s not Scientology that we have to be worried about (please don’t sue me). It’s not the People’s Temple or the Moonies. No, these groups are far more sinister.
Read on, reader, and gird up your loins for battle:
10. Jeep Drivers–I know the danger of this one first-hand because I used to own a Jeep. I had no idea when I purchased it back in 1996 that I had joined a covert group. But, overnight, people begin to wave at me and give me these furtive nods. The connection? We were fellow Jeep drivers. It took my wife and an expired lease to get me out (relatively) unscathed.
9. Star Wars Fans–Sure, they are geeks. But it’s the geek world writ large. They don’t just watch the movies, they view life through the prism of an alternative language. Tatooine isn’t another planet, it’s home to these folks. And don’t be surprised if some of the more industrious members are constructing their very own Millennium Falcon’s in their parent’s basements.
8. Lads To Leaders Participants–Sure, it has produced some leadership qualities in many of our churches. It has enabled people to develop and refine preaching and song-leading skills not to mention stoking the fires of all things puppets. But just suggest to the die-hards that you are uncomfortable with the spirit of competition that it provokes and you just might get a beat-down.
7. Garage Sale Scavengers–You have seen these people. They are the ones who begin trolling the streets late on Thursday nights looking for those who are setting up their sales to begin the next day. They are the ones who park outside said garage sales beginning at midnight in eager anticipation of the next day’s bounty. They are the ones who ring the doorbell at 4 in the morning because it’s time to roll up the garage door and begin the bargaining. And they are the ones who will gut you if you get between them and their nickel rolling pin.
6. Yankee Haters–There appears to be this code of acceptability among baseball fans that gauges your true love of the sport based upon the level of animosity you harbor toward the boys in pinstripes. I’m no Yankee fan but the seething level of hatred that many of the haters have is enough to give me pause and wonder if somewhere someone is amassing an arsenal to take out this scourge on America’s pastime.
5. Harry Potter Fans–Tell them it’s just a series of books and see the spittle and foam begin to appear around the corners of their mouths. Tell them you don’t know the difference between a muggle and a dumbledore and they will stare at you with incredulous pity. Tell them that you think it’s all a bunch of hype and prepare to see them slip into anaphylactic shock. Be warned of this group. Their next planned incursion into the real world is scheduled the week of July 21st. Best to stay off the streets that week.
4. NPR Listeners–This group of people are absolutely addicted to lifeless, monotone recitation of world events and “interesting” tidbits of cultural, political and sociological insight. The concern here is that the endless, never varying drone of those pedestrian and lifeless talking heads has produced a near zombie effect that could progress to the eating of young.
3. Mac Users–Be warned. Their smug, knowing tone belies an evangelistic fervor that seeks to indoctrinate.
2. Oprah Watchers–This group is the epitome of a modern day cult. They have a charismatic leader that demands unquestioning and impassioned fidelity. And she has achieved just that level of respect and adoration among her throngs of disciples. If she announces the phone book as her book club pick people will snatch it up in droves. Men, be careful. She is a few precisely timed “special Oprahs” away from taking over the world.
1. Coffee Drinkers–This group is far and away the most dangerous of all. They are universally incapable of understanding anyone who is not a full-blown aficionado. Tell them that you don’t like coffee and prefer a Diet Coke and you can see them looking incredulously at your impertinence and general lack of civility. Tell them that it’s preposterous that anyone would pay 12 bucks for a venti or grande or whatever and you can see them silently plotting your death. Keep away.
There you have it, the most dangerous cults in America today. Any thoughts? I’m sure there will be some insight from the members of some of these cults.
Any that I forgot?
And by the way, this is all in good fun.
33 Responses to “Top 10 Wednesday: Most Dangerous Cults”
By Jeff Slater on May 23, 2007 | Reply
I was a member of the Jeep cult — and I desperately want to get back in. I had to sell my Wrangler a few years ago, and I really miss it.
I’m an avid coffee drinker, but I don’t look down on those who don’t enjoy it. I just pity them.
By krister on May 23, 2007 | Reply
I’ll add Subaru drivers, since I’ve been one since high school and don’t plan on ever changing. While they’ve become more ubiqutious in certain parts of the country, I invariably get the “hey, you’ve got a Subie, too” nod when I pass another Subaru on the streets. Since I happen to also be a Mac loving, NPR listening zombie I’ll go ahead and affirm those selections as well.
By Scott on May 23, 2007 | Reply
Then, Jeff, you would just be considered an acolyte at this point in the coffee cult.
By Scott on May 23, 2007 | Reply
See, folks, they are coming out of the wood work. You combine NPR and Macs like Krister does and you have a very dangerous individual.
By Doug Freeman on May 23, 2007 | Reply
Scott, you left out the SUV drivers and those rednecks who drive the big 4-door 4 wheel drive trucks who think they own the roads. They don’t even think of observing speed limits.
By Greg Brooks on May 23, 2007 | Reply
10: yeah, I’ve never had a Jeep so no comment.
9: DON’T TELL ME STAR WARS IS NOT THE GREATEST SERIES OF FILMS EVER PUT ON . . . FILM. My the force be with you.
8: JACK ZORN’S AVENGING ANGELS KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE.
7:Yeah, those people are nuts.
6: THE YANKEES ARE THE DEVIL WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T HATE THE YANKEES YOU LOUSY SCURVY #(*^@#(^&@)&&!^
5. AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHYOUHAVENOIDEAOF THEPOWERSYOUAREOFFENDING
4. NPR is a great source of news, culture and great music. I totally have a crush on Nina Tontenberg. And while I’m much too liberal to actually kill you, I will write a sternly worded comment on your blog oh wait I’m already doing that.
3. I don’t have a Mac but I know from the commercials that you are a CORPORATE TOOL IN LEAGUE WITH THE GREAT MICROSATAN AND I’M SENDING YOU A VIRUS RIGHT NOW
2. OPRAH TAUGHT ME WHAT SHAPE MY POOPS SHOULD BE AND YOU KNOW SHE KNOWS WHERE YOU LIVE AND IF ZORN DOESN’T GET YOU OPRAH WILL
1. I like coffee but you’re totally right, it’s nothing to get all worked up about.
i feel better
By Scott on May 23, 2007 | Reply
Dad, SUV drivers deserve their own special category.
Greg, I was quite afraid of offending both Zorn and Winfrey. That would make a scary duo.
But explain to me how you get past the totally lifeless tone of NPR. I guess I’m just not smart enough. It’s why I eschew talk radio of all types. It seems there is no balance between the oxycontin-fueled rants and the monotone of NPR.
And this may be the first time I’ve ever been called a corporate tool.
By R-Liz on May 23, 2007 | Reply
What about Republicans?
And Democrats?
Or Dobson-lovers?
By JTB on May 23, 2007 | Reply
You forgot cola drinkers.
I wonder why.
By Matt on May 23, 2007 | Reply
Don’t forget comic book nerds! Anytime I’m with my brother and his friends, I’m forced to endure endless discussions about who would win in a fight between the Silver Surfer and Superman…
By Scott on May 23, 2007 | Reply
R-Liz, because I refuse to say anything inflammatory
I thought about the Dobson angle though. And talk radio listeners. How do people listen to that stuff?
JTB, cola drinkers are ambassadors of love. Remember, it’s “I’d like to buy the world a Coke” signifying humility and self-sacrifice not “I’d like to buy the world a cup of coffee.”
Man, I crack myself up.
By Scott on May 23, 2007 | Reply
Matt, true. I have a couple of readers (love you guys) who could weigh in on that discussion.
Who would win between the Silver Surfer and Superman?
Better question: who is the Silver Surfer?
By GKB on May 23, 2007 | Reply
No V-Dub love?
We VW-driving, Mac-loving, coffee-drinking, NPR-listening types take offense…
By Scott on May 23, 2007 | Reply
VW driving isn’t cultish.
It’s downright un-American. You Subaru and VW drivers are aiding the terrorists.
By matt elliott on May 23, 2007 | Reply
Golfers.
Bunko groups.
Alabama fans (of which I are one).
By Scott on May 23, 2007 | Reply
Ooh, I forgot about Bunko. Those people are nuts.
And Golfers could shoot up to the top of the list.
By Politics and Culture on May 23, 2007 | Reply
Listen to the Dennis Miller show sometime. It might change your view of talk radio.
By Scott on May 23, 2007 | Reply
I’ve been a long-time Miller fan. It seems that we have passed each other in our political views over the last several years.
I like him but that’s the exception to the rule.
By matt elliott on May 23, 2007 | Reply
Worship leaders (of which I are one).
By matt elliott on May 23, 2007 | Reply
ACU alums. These people must be stopped.
By Scott on May 23, 2007 | Reply
I guess Abilene is kinda like Guyana. Or Waco.
By John on May 23, 2007 | Reply
I’m a coffee drinking, Harry Potter reader/watcher, NPR listening, Yankee hating (actually all N.Y. hating), Star Wars fan who doesn’t fit any of the hard core aspects you listed.
But even worse than any of them I would put the hard core Star Trek fans. They make me reluctant to admit to being a fan. Yes I’ve gone to some of the movies on the first night and one convention but never in a costume. The ones who go out like that just scare me.
By Donna on May 23, 2007 | Reply
I am a coffee drinking, former Jeep driving, Harry Potter Reading, Star War loving and Yankee hating kind of girl…..but I prefer my coffee BLACK and FREE!!!
By Scott on May 23, 2007 | Reply
John and Donna,
Don’t be trying to recruit on my blog
By John on May 23, 2007 | Reply
Scott,
If I was recruiting I would be trying to get a foursome together for some great golf while drinking gallons of WaWa coffee.
By Scott on May 23, 2007 | Reply
WaWa coffee? Now you are speaking some kind of language that I don’t know.
By John on May 23, 2007 | Reply
WaWa is the worlds greatest convenience stores mostly found in the the Philadelphia area but have gone as far south now as the D.C. area with cheap great coffee, hoagies, and fantastic breakfast sandwiches. With the added bonus of the cheapest gas in the area.
By Tracy on May 23, 2007 | Reply
I would add bloggers to the list. And Razorback fans.
By jp on May 23, 2007 | Reply
do not forget the Fight’n Texas ATM AGGIES!!! WHOOP!
By JTB on May 24, 2007 | Reply
“gotta have a WaWa!”
Scott, if Jesus were thirsty and you offered him a Diet Coke and I offered him a beautiful cup of coffee, WWJDrink?
Don’t mess with the Coffee People. You really don’t want us de-culted: uncaffeinated and desperate.
By Scott on May 24, 2007 | Reply
Razorback fans aren’t cultists. Just cause a group has found a higher path doesn’t mean they are a cult, Tracy.
JTB, I have no desire to mess with the Coffee People. They scare me. That’s why they are number one on my watch list.
By Amy on May 29, 2007 | Reply
JP beat me to the Aggie reference. Both daughters and a son-in-law bleed maroon, so I say it with all the love in my heart - those Aggies are scary!!
By Scott on May 31, 2007 | Reply
Yeah, I know I few aggies. It’s best to keep clear