Help Me Pad My Resume
July 11th, 2007 | by Scott |OK, one of the things that is important when you are ministry seeking is to have a resume that stands out above the others. So, I need some help to propel mine to the top of the stack so to speak. Here are some of the things I have so far:
–Official ghost-writer for Max Lucado since 1988.
–Director for all the Nooma videos
–Currently living my Best Purpose Driven Life Now
–Never borrows, lifts or steals a single sermon or class idea. 100% original.
What else could I add?
(Note to potential employers: These are jokes)
42 Responses to “Help Me Pad My Resume”
By Scott on Jul 11, 2007 | Reply
–Personally grew the Lakewood Church to 20,000 members before handing the preaching duties over to Joel Osteen.
By Scott on Jul 11, 2007 | Reply
–author a blog under the pen name “Preacher Mike”
By Travis on Jul 11, 2007 | Reply
“Don’t blame me I voted for Bush.”
By terri on Jul 11, 2007 | Reply
Yeah, but do you lead singing?
By matt elliott on Jul 11, 2007 | Reply
“In full-time church ministry for (X) years without a single proven incident of sexual misconduct.”
By Jeff B. on Jul 11, 2007 | Reply
Serious question: Are you looking exclusively within the COC?
Not-so-serious comments: If so, be sure to mention that you can sing all four parts simultaneously while waving your arm from side to side, controlling the power-point projector, and smiling even in sad songs.
Also, mention baptism at least three times in each section of your resume.
Mention how much you are eager to submit to an eldership even if you know that they probably know less about scriptures collectively than you do.
Sprinkle in a few of the following terms, “old paths,” “sound,” “the church/brotherhood,” “scriptural,” and “undenominational.”
By Greg on Jul 11, 2007 | Reply
“X days without a lost time accident.”
“Taught an entire youth group all the words to Free Electric Band by Albert Hammond.”
“When the world needs a hero, the world calls Jack Bauer. When Jack Bauer needs a hero, he calls me.”
“Created a website with funny resume padding ideas because apparently there isn’t one already, darn it”
You should make a video like Aleksey Vayner–”Impossible Is Nothing”. Google that if you haven’t seen it, hilarious!
By len on Jul 11, 2007 | Reply
“Has no fear of being ‘left behind’!”
By Greg on Jul 11, 2007 | Reply
“I have never been fired from John McCain’s presidential campaign”
“I am not a potted plant, Senator!”
By Scott on Jul 11, 2007 | Reply
Ahh, this is great stuff.
I’m thinking the “Free Electric Band” days should knock me over the top just about anywhere.
By Scott on Jul 11, 2007 | Reply
Oh, and I did coach Notre Dame to two national championships in the 80s.
By Phil Wilson on Jul 11, 2007 | Reply
- Number did not appear on DC Madam’s phone list. Yet.
- Shakes hands, hugs old ladies, and kisses babies with motivation from cattle prod.
By Jenny P on Jul 11, 2007 | Reply
Well, since you were the ghost writer on Max’s books, you might as well move on down here to SA. Rumor has it Oak Hills is searching for a new preaching minister. You seem like the type that would fit in well at a “feel-good” megachurch. =)
By Scott on Jul 11, 2007 | Reply
Jenny, as long as it didn’t interfere with my deanship at Princeton Theological.
BTW, should I mention that I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll or not?
By John on Jul 11, 2007 | Reply
Don’t forget the multiplying of the collection plate…$5 to $5,000
By Scott on Jul 11, 2007 | Reply
John, I stopped doing that when the IRS started asking questions.
By Kevin Bussey on Jul 11, 2007 | Reply
Shot JR
Personal adviser for Dr. Billy Graham
Personal trainer for Barry Bonds
Invented the internet
By Scott on Jul 11, 2007 | Reply
I didn’t really “invent” it though. It was just my idea.
However, the movie “You’ve Got Mail” was based on me meeting Tracy.
By Scott on Jul 11, 2007 | Reply
Did I mention I’m the reigning American Idol?
By Jonathan on Jul 11, 2007 | Reply
invented crunk
By Mark on Jul 11, 2007 | Reply
This is the first time I read your blog and I really, really enjoyed it! I had to read this together will all the responses to my wife who also enjoyed it.
Certainly you can mention that you love to have fun!
By Clint on Jul 12, 2007 | Reply
Hey Scott, I have “I can back up a trailer” on my resume….seriously! LOL I believe all youth workers should possess this skill.
By Jonathan on Jul 12, 2007 | Reply
author of Hebrews
By Kevin Bussey on Jul 12, 2007 | Reply
reigning Super Bowl MVP 3 years straight!
Mitch Mustain’s agent
By Scott on Jul 12, 2007 | Reply
Mark, welcome and keep coming back!
I love this stuff: not only did I write Hebrews I led Mustain to USC.
Oh, I also garnered 45 electoral votes in the 1992 Presidential election.
By R-Liz on Jul 12, 2007 | Reply
For CoC’s–Have tatoo: “728b”
By hermit greg on Jul 12, 2007 | Reply
From my experience heading a hiring committee:
* Write at least a four-page autobiography that explains your family history, beginning with your grandparents and ending with your marriage to the godliest, most nonworking woman on the planet.
* Photos of you and your family, preferably enlarged on an 8.5 inch x 11 inch sheet of paper.
* A three-page FAQ that reveals you too can copy Leroy Brownlow and are therefore doctrinally sound.
* Unsolicited letters of recommendation from your preaching school and/or someone you worked with twenty years ago.
* Another autobiography.
* Make sure your resume includes the jobs you held in high school.
By hermit greg on Jul 12, 2007 | Reply
Most of the resumes that included any of the points in 27 were jokes, too, BTW.
Inadvertent jokes, but jokes nonetheless.
By matt elliott on Jul 12, 2007 | Reply
You’re killing me, hermit greg. That’s classic stuff!!
By Scott on Jul 12, 2007 | Reply
How could anybody NOT hire me with all of these qualifications?
HG, could you help me put together a resume as stellar as the ones you described
By hermit greg on Jul 12, 2007 | Reply
I can even send you the actual resumes.
By Scott on Jul 12, 2007 | Reply
That would be even better. I could white-out their names and put in mine.
By R-Liz on Jul 12, 2007 | Reply
Hermit Greg makes a great point– this resume should also include some helpful information about Tracy, too. However, I wouldn’t refer to her as Tracy but as “Mrs. Freeman.”
-Mrs. Freeman enjoys single-handedly throwing weekly dinner parties for 20 or more people.
-Mrs. Freeman is absolutely thrilled when company comes by unexpectedly.
-Mrs. Freeman enjoys running the Children’s Ministry by herself
-Mrs. Freeman has never used the word ‘No’
By Scott on Jul 12, 2007 | Reply
That really opens it up.
Mrs. Freeman has been the main keynote speaker for the last three National Women of Faith Conferences.
By Darren and Mrs. Darren on Jul 12, 2007 | Reply
I like the term “Mrs. Freeman,” but I REALLY like the term “Mrs. Scott Freeman,” as in:
–Mrs. Scott Freeman personally invented scrapbooking.
–Mrs. Scott Freeman loves homeschooling and is still breastfeeding her husband’s three children.
–Mrs. Scott Freeman does not own a pair of pants
By Tracy on Jul 12, 2007 | Reply
Do we even need to mention that our children all have won first place in Bible Bowl and Lads to Leaders/Leaderettes? And that Chloe has already been accepted into ACU and will be starting this fall?
By Scott on Jul 13, 2007 | Reply
I Love It!
–Mrs. Scott Freeman is up at 4 AM to do laundry, fix breakfast and have 2 hours of personal bible study before greeting her family with love and sunshine.
–Mrs. Scott Freeman is the Proverbs 31 Woman 2.0
By Tracy on Jul 13, 2007 | Reply
OK, I knew that I was a miserable excuse for a preacher’s wife before but this is really taking it to a whole new level.
I may have to go back to my maiden name now. Forget hyphenating it!
By Amy on Jul 13, 2007 | Reply
Hermit Greg, you must send those resumes so Scott can share them with the rest of us!
On that note, have you seen the job descriptions and candidate profiles that search committees can come up with? I’m not sure how we ever found a job since I don’t recall my husband walking on water or healing a paralytic.
By Scott on Jul 13, 2007 | Reply
HG, if you just have hard copies I’ll give you my home address to send them to.
And, yes, I have seen the candidate profiles. I’m hoping that I have enough suggestions on this thread to be able to meet some of the criteria.
By Corey on Jul 16, 2007 | Reply
You won the Fantasy Football at church last year with the weakest team.
Tell them sometimes during singing in worship you brake out your guitar.
Serious note Scott, I didn’t get a chance to tell you your sermon Sunday was awesome. You made several great points.
I heard you’re going to be University of Arkansas’s next running back.
By Scott on Jul 20, 2007 | Reply
I gave J.K. Rowling the idea for the Harry Potter novels.