Swift Boating the Candidates
January 24th, 2008 | by Scott |I’ve noticed that my comments have slowed down over the last week or so with the eventual petering out of the “Obama is a Closeted Muslim Racist Christian” thread.
The one way to get my comment bar red-lining is to post political.
And so, since Obama has already been swift-boated on this blog I thought I would obey the laws of the land and give equal time to all of the significant candidates and Ron Paul.
Here is what you need to know about each and every candidate (and Ron Paul):
The Republicans
John McCain was actually never in Vietnam and he was never a prisoner of war. He spent that time that he was allegedly “tortured” drinking Mai Tai’s and getting massages on the southern coast of France.
Mike Huckabee opted out of seminary training and instead spent 3 years in the early 70s seeking enlightenment and barraging the Dalai Lama with questions about Immigration Reform. In quiet moments with friends he lists A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada as one of his greatest influences.
Rudy Giuliani was not the one calling the shots in NYC in the aftermath of 9/11. He was too shaken up and spend all of his off-camera time weeping in Judith Nathan’s uptown apartment. His responses and decision-making after September 11th was ghost-written by a non-partisan Michael Moore.
Mitt Romney has four wives and 47 children. He keeps them hidden in Colorado City, Arizona. Their silence has been bought with promises of free health care if he is elected president.
Ron Paul is a tool of the Communist party. If elected he will enforce The Communist Manifesto as required reading for all 3rd graders.
Democrats
Hillary Clinton secretly hates politics and would much rather stay home making cookies and taking care of Bill. If elected she will hand the reins back over to Bill and spend her time in the Oval Office perfecting her prize-winning Blueberry Pie.
John Edwards is not getting 400 dollar haircuts. Those are clandestine meetings with the head of Iran where they trade state secrets.
Barack Obama is a Wiccan. And a Buddhist. And a Hindu. And a Mormon. And a Mason. And a Yankee Fan. And an Amway Salesman.
Dennis Kucinich is perfectly normal.
See, there is scandal plenty to go around. Which of these candidates is truly worth voting for?
I say Dwight Schrute for president.
Or Peter Gammons.
Or that dude that used to do the Dell commercials.
9 Responses to “Swift Boating the Candidates”
By terri on Jan 24, 2008 | Reply
Toby might make a better president than Dwight. He doesn’t cry as much.
By greg on Jan 24, 2008 | Reply
the significant candidates and Ron Paul
justin’s about to take over #1 in the comments race . . .
By LukeD on Jan 24, 2008 | Reply
I would totally vote for Peter Gammons. Unlike several current candidates, he is absolutely knowledgable and reliable in his specific field of expertise.
On the other hand, he has a crush on the Boston Red Sox.
I’d vote for Hank Aaron though.
By Justin on Jan 24, 2008 | Reply
Seriously?
I love how the only thing you can think of to smear Paul is the communist thing. Just too few scandals to deal with. Though I would have gone with he wants to use the government to round up black people… though, that doesn’t really work since he doesn’t want the government to do anything.
ANd BTW, Edwards at this point is just as irrelavent as RP
By happy on Jan 24, 2008 | Reply
Dude I so knew that about Dennis we partied together at Big Sur in 72 man it was so righteous. I would vote for especially now since I’ve got stock in Zig Zag.
By jasonk on Jan 24, 2008 | Reply
Would that be Future Dwight, or Present Dwight?
By Justin on Jan 24, 2008 | Reply
in the lead. for realz lol!!!!!!11!1!
By Scott on Jan 25, 2008 | Reply
Justin, there are a ton of things I could have used for Paul. But I was trying to remain purely fictional
This world isn’t ready for future Dwight
By KS on Jan 25, 2008 | Reply
What about Stuart Scott for prez?? Bo-yah!!